Look for the girl with the broken smile

"She Will Be Loved"
Maroon 5

Beauty Queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her everytime she falls, yeah

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
She will be loved
And she will be loved

(I've tried so hard to say goodbye).

[Songs About Jane, 2003]

I've been listening to that song alot lately.

Last Friday (9/10) Phuong invited me to go out with herself Tony, Lisa, Adrian, Chris, Danh and four of his friends who I'd never met before. Phuong's younger sister, Lan, works at a steakhouse in the area, and gets us scorchin' deals on food. Meals and drinks for free, and usually each person tips $10. Without this "discount" we'd never go to this particular restaurant, because each of us would spend a minimum of like $30. I'd agreed to go on this outing the day before, when I wasn't feeling quite as crappy as I was on Friday. I was supposed to be at Phuong's house at 6:45pm, and I didn't make it until 7:15. Usually I'm on time so I felt really bad because of all the people involved. We met Tony there, Adrian and Lisa came later, and Chris arrived last.

While we were waiting for Lan to seat us, we were chit-chatting in the waiting area. The first time I saw Tony after his trip to Hawaii was the day of the CT scan. He didn't know anything about my recent health troubles. And I wasn't planning on telling him, either. That is, I wasn't planning on him finding out about it until Lisa got to Phuong's house and asked "Hey, how'd your CAT scan go? Did they tell you what's wrong?" right in front of him. [grimace] So then Tony was full of all of these questions, which I didn't have any answers to "What the hell happened to you while I was gone?" Hah! That will teach you to go to Hawaii for two weeks , I thought to myself. So that particular evening, I spent much of my time leaning-- on walls, palm trees, you name it. "You doing okay-- you just seem so frail lately," he said. Anyway, last Friday, Tony pulled a total Lisa in front of Danh and asks "Hey, did you get your test results back?" More explaining.

During my five and a half year relationship with my exboyfriend, he constantly ragged me about what I ate. He was a vegetarian, almost vegan, and anytime I ate something that didn't fit into what he thought was "right" for me to eat, he'd let me know. In the beginning of the relationship, I was more willing to go along with all his rules, but by the mid point of our relationship I started to get cranky. Why can't I have hot cocoa made with real milk-- why does it have to be soy milk? Other things I wasn't supposed to eat included: beef, chicken, cheese, rice or any sort of grain/ pasta (he also hated carbohydrates), eggs, milk, or pork. That doesn't leave a whole hell of alot, except salad, soy milk, soy cheese, soy ice cream (well you get the point.) Anytime we went to a restaurant, we'd split a dish, and guess who got the smaller half (and, therefore, went home hungry.)

My point, (and I promise that I do have one) is this: to go to a steakhouse and be presented with so many choices (hey, I can actually get what I want!) I was a bit taken aback. Phuong and Tony both suggested that I should try the steak (since we were, as perviously mentioned, at a steakhouse of some acclaim for our area).

There were so many of us that we were crammed into one booth, with a chair at the end. Everyone else was saying how hot it was getting, except for fever girl over here. I slid into the booth first and Tony sat next to me. (*sigh*)

Being corner girl that night (I've by now perfected my lean) means that Tony spend alot of time talking. Most of it dedicated to Lara, his girlfriend of maybe two months who was off in New York for a week. ("What was she thinking, going to New York on September 11th".) The other, perhaps forty percent he spent asking me if I was okay and how I was feeling. ('Cuz at this point of the evening, I must have looked as great as I felt, as in not very great at all.) He even noticed that I only ate like, a quarter of my food because my appetite abandoned me weeks ago. (Which I guess is a good thing anyway, since I'm not supposed to be working out.)

But I should really just abandon this crush. I'm always attaching significant meaning to these little things which give me hope, yet crush me at the same time. I should forget him, not just because he's got a girlfriend now (this has been at least a 6 month crush), but because I'm the wrong type. Phuong has been friends with him for a few years now, and everyone in our little circle knows that he only dates Asian girls (apparently, everyone but me-- I'd already sunk at least 1 or 2 months into this crush when I found out.) Now, he's claimed in my presence under Phuong's questioning that he's an equal opportunity dater, but no one can remember him dating a non-Asian girl. Clearly, I was out of the running the moment I was born. (Shakes angry fist at sky) 'Why god, why wasn't I born as Asian girl???'

After dinner, we stood (or in some cases leaned) outside while the smokers among us got their nicotine fix and tried to decide what to do next. Object of crush(should I start by trying to forget his name?) notices pained expression of poor sick girl and apologises to her for the fact that she's feeling so awful. (Author desperately tries not to attach any meaning to concern [probably fake, anyway] of crush). Thanh, who was incredibly shit-faced from countless Long Island ice teas kept trying to convince the rest of us to go "go karting." This idea was very unpopular amongst those of us who were not drunk, and who are broke as a joke. ($40 for 20 minutes!)

I went home because I just wanted to crawl under the covers. Before I left he held my hand and told me "Get well soon and take care of your self."

Maybe I should change my name. Current Favourites include:
Tuyen*
O-Ren*
Khanh
Lanh
Tomoko

*denotes most favourite)

Here are some selected horoscope from different magazines for September:

You might feel a bit invisible until the 16th. but by late October you're in extra demand. Hold off on all important matters until the latter half of the month, when the stars will help you seal all your deals. You've been waiting for something special since last May, and on or near the October 27th full moon, it finally arrives. (from Teen Vogue)

Love: Emotions are not reasonable or well thought-out; they just are. Right now, you need to follow your passion and take the path you know you want (certainly, you already know what you DON'T want). Put faith in someone's true love for You!
Work: This limbo you're in won't last forever. In fact, an unexpected offer is about to arrive, as a result of reaching out to someone within the last few weeks. This is your time to step up to a chalenge that will pull you out of your comfort zone. One of your special talents can elevate you to unimaginable heights, making you a star performer. (from Marie Claire)

Reassess this month; the planets are shifting and your world's in a spin. Trash old agendas and redesign your goals. Your psychic radar tunes you in to hot new trends and puts you right on the cutting edge. Friends and lovers are needy and devouring mid-month, so draw the line. The eclipse on the 28th issues a romantic wake-up call. (from Elle)

If all you want to do is lie around in a swimming pool or veg out in an air-conditioned living room, blame Neptune, which is holding an angular position in your solar chart. Don't think for a second you can stay home in your safe little nest now, however. Besides the gaggle of people trying to lure you out of the house, you've got to contend with your irrepressible urge to cross boundaries and experience the world. Such paradoxes aren't news to you, though. Your desires are always messing up your domestic dreams, aren't they? (from Vanity Fair)

Live Well, Doubt Not! Tragic "Tuyen" Saturn